When my dad died, I didn't know how to properly feel my emotions at all. I don't think I even cried. It took me a while to actually process that he was gone. The fondest memory I have of him is when we're out picking pecans from a tree together, a memory that makes me smile and feel close to him. The grassy smell tickling my nose and the strong winds gave me a chill. His passing really shocked me at the time. I was only 12 years old, and having a parent die never crossed my mind that it would happen to me. I always thought that he would either live forever or at least live a long life at least until he was like 100. It made me realize that no matter what or how hard you try, eventually everyone has to die no matter how close you are.

For some reason I couldn't get myself to cry even though I wanted to really bad. I was sad but I couldn't even shed a single tear. That made me feel as if I was weird. I tried to force myself by listening to sad music, that kinda worked. Eventually though, I finally did cry and when I did I couldn't stop. I'm usually not a cryer at all, most of the time I keep my emotions bottled up and my feelings to myself. Even though I rarely did see my father, I did still love him unconditionally. Regardless if my family liked him or not for his past actions, I still loved him with my whole heart.

Speaking of his alleged past actions, according to my uncle he had walked in on my dad doing something very inappropriate with me. Personally, I don't and probably won't ever believe that my father could ever do something like that to me. But obviously I wouldn't know, because I was a baby and my uncle is dead now.

Even so, my father was still good and tried his best to be there, rumors or not. But it wasn't all sunshines and rainbows the whole time he was alive. One of the saddest memories I had with him was when I had asked him to attend a father daughter muffin day at my elementary school, as expected he didn't show up. I wasn't very surprised though it wasn't his first time pulling a stunt like this. He would always say and promise me that he would come but when the time came. He would have an excuse like how he didn't have a ride, that he had to work or sometimes not even answer the phone. Eventually though I got used to it and got used to not feeling sad or holding a grudge against him. Over the years though I started to understand why he couldn't make it and realized he was telling the truth and all the excuses he had weren't fake.

My father may have not been the best in other people's eyes, but to me he was the most best and precious thing to me. Those memories that we had together I will forever cherish and adore them forever until the day I die.

This experience made me realize that you really do need to appreciate the time you have with a loved one. Eventually everyone has to go and you will never know when or how. Embrace the happy memories, embrace the bad ones too because one day those might be all you have.